My heart fools me. My head fools me. The “wisdom” that I think I have fools me. Since when have I become almighty? All knowing? I haven’t. I want everything to go my way, but where does that leave room for God? How do I expect God to show His path for me when I’m not trusting Him? I am so annoyed with myself because my soul yearns for structure while my flesh yearns for rebellion!
I sobbed to a spiritual mentor of mine once, relating to her my personal struggles with my faith. I had a close relationship with God my entire life until I drifted away at fourteen for no specific reason. And once I recommitted my life back to Him the summer before my junior year, life got hard. I was being asked to do things by God that were completely out of my already small comfort zone, and when I would take a leap of faith, the situations didn’t always turn out how I expected it to. (However, this could be exactly how God wanted it to be, He’s behind the scenes and I am not). I would take one step of faith, and then be spiritually attacked from every angle. Another step, and even more attacks. I was getting hit by every angle, and I hated it. I hated feeling new in my faith again, and I hated not having “everything together”. But while I was wallowing in self-defeat, my spiritual mentor told me something that changed my life and my perspective. She said, “the minute you commit your life to Christ is the minute you’ve placed a target on your back for the devil.”
It started to make sense. I wasn’t a target before because I was already in bondage to sin. The devil had me where he wanted me, in the palm of his hand. But when my heart changed, that made him uncomfortable. He wasn’t in-between the Lord and I anymore. It’s like Satan was standing between the Lord and I, and the moment I ridded the sin of my life there was nothing separating me from God anymore. Each act of faith brought more attacks, but I stopped viewing them as that. These little “setbacks” were like small obstacles in the way of my path with God, and I could either use them as a reason to turn away from Him or as a chance to grow deeper. And once I started seeing them for what they were, these obstacles/attacks/setbacks (whatever you want to call them) began to fuel my fire for God even more. All of a sudden I secretly didn’t mind these things I perceived as “attacks”. In fact, I dare call them beautiful. Beautiful reminders that I’m running the right direction. Wonderful affirmations that the call God has on my life threatens the enemy and his destruction. And lovely storms, that force me to dig deeper roots in Christ so that when bigger storms rise, I can face them with ease.
Now, I’d be fooling you if I said I saw situations like this all of the time. So I don’t want anyone to think that this is a normal or natural mind set. I’m just trying to show that the devil doesn’t want us to be happy and live a life in love. He doesnt want us to be successful. He doesn’t want us to have peace in Christ, feel secure in who we are, and become free from the bondage of sin that HE placed us in!!! The enemy is the one that chains you, tempts you, and wants you to live life in fear, not God. God provides the way out of temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13). God provides life (John 10:10).
I want my light to shine so bright for the Lord that the enemy can’t STAND me. I crave the boldness from the life of Esther, and yearn to possess the courage she had to stand up to the king and save her people. I long to be the Proverbs 31 Woman that my husband, children, friends, and family deserve someday. But most of all, I want my life to reflect Christ and that everything I say or do points people back to Him.